Week 4 & 4 Days

So this is my first journal entry.

Just to give you a recap - in November of 09 at my last appointment with my OBGYN, I was told that he could no longer do anything else for me. After my last miscarriage in the fall of 08 I experienced a year of being on fertility and hormone pills, monthly appointments, painful, invasive procedures, shots and then finally a laparoscopy performed after and being diagnosed with endometriosis and still with no luck, my doctor had exhausted all efforts and declared December 09 to be my last meeting with him. My heart literally dropped when he mentioned a fertility clinic and instantly thoughts of costs and the emotional, physical stress I would have to endure started to overtake me.

I walked out of the doctors office that day with my mother by my side, choking back tears thinking of what my husband and I would have to do next. I felt all hope in conceiving on our own fly out the window and my heart sank. For some reason, although I know all the issues that we were faced were all out of our control, I felt like less of a woman, as if I had somehow failed being a wife, a mother, a woman.

Now let's fast forward a month.
Even after my doctor's notice, I still stayed on my fertility pills for November and by the first week of December I started to feel weird. I started to get really nauseous and even before my period was due this month, I decided to take a pregnancy test and behold - it came out positive!!!



That was last week Monday.
I won't be able to see my OBGYN till January 8th, so my family doctor is keeping a close eye on me until then. Which means, for my first trimester, we are monitoring my HCG levels and tomorrow I go in for my first ultrasound to make sure the baby is in the right place.

Everyday my symptoms seem to get worse, but the odd day when I can't feel anything or if my symptoms are not as bad, I start getting scared again. The thought of loosing another baby after over a year of trying makes me numb. Now, how to get through the next couple months without stressing myself out and freaking out over every little thing I can't answer.